The other day I was riding with a friend who delivers flowers for Hy-Vee, and I noticed that one of his deliveries was to a girl named Stephanie Meyer. Now my first impulse was to grab those flowers and throw them out the window screaming some combination of obscene curse words , but of course destroying some poor girls flowers simply because she has a name that makes me fill with more rage than the giant green man himself wouldn't help my friend keep his job nor would it make the abomination that is the Twilight Saga go away any faster.
Today I'm going to discuss the many things that are wrong with Twilight, the obvious and the not so obvious. First off, on the outside it's a tale about a young girl who is torn between loving a vampire and a werewolf. Even at that you can interpret it as a teenager choosing between a creepy old man with serious emo issues and a really big dog. That in itself is already really screwed up. But I'm gonna go even deeper.
Through the years there have been many different interpretations of Vampire and Werewolf mythology. While all writers have their own take on it they at least respect the few guidelines that make these monsters as immortal in a literary sense as they are in the stories themselves.
Such guidelines are as follows: Vampires are demons in the bodies of humans that have passed. They have no souls, no reflections, and cannot go near any holy territory, be it a church, crucifix or even pure sunlight. Hell they can't even step foot in one's home without being invited in. You must invite the evil. Yet the so-called "Vampires" in Ms. Stephanie Meyer's books can go anywhere they please, walk in sunlight without any consequences other than turning into walking disco balls, and feel actual feelings and torment. I don't know what these things are supposed to be but they're clearly not vampires.
Now onto Werewolves. There are actually many interpretations of a werewolf's origin. Sometimes it's being bitten by one and left to live, other times it's part of being in a cursed bloodline and all it takes is a murder out of pure anger to awaken the beast. Origins aside, the actual creatures all share common traits. They turn on a full moon, cannot control the rage but have vague memories of their actions, and are vulnerable to pure steel. In Twilight, they can turn whenever they wish, be it in broad daylight or a normal night absent of a full moon, painlessly at that, and they can actually control the beast. If you can control it then what's the point of the curse? It doesn't sound like a curse at all but rather a gift. These so-called "Werewolves" actually sound a lot more like Skinwalkers, also supernatural beasts of Native American origin, but they can shape-shift from a human form to that of an animal, most commonly a wolf or a dog.
Also both the vampires and werewolves are apparently invulnerable to any of the weapons listed above because you don't see anyone shooting steel bullets or pulling a crucifix or wooden stake on them. In short, calling these creatures Vampires and Werewolves is about as logical as turning the character of Mickey Mouse into a dancing turkey who wears purple sunglasses and cowboy boots. While it would be interesting to see such a thing, you don't f*cking call it Mickey Mouse. And that ends my Twilight rant. Hope you enjoyed it and maybe even learned a thing or two.
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